Dreaming Paris

Okay, so to those of you reading, this may look like I'm having an identity crisis, or midlife crisis, or something, but I think it's actually the culmination of a decade long midlife/identity crisis. I've written about some of this stuff before, and it's no secret that I've been tugged in the past to make more of an effort to develop my artistic side. It's because of this inner struggle that I first joined MW, so some of you have been along for the ride the whole time. As a result, you've seen me change in some ways, stay the same in others, and you've probably read some of the same whines over and over. Bless you! So I come home today from a strained tutoring session in which my student tries to gleefully upset me by telling me what his dad and grandmother thought of me calling and cancelling our session yesterday and asking to change it to tomorrow (I have been experiencing some serious tennis elbow and lack of sleep, which only aggravated the elbow worse to the point that sleeplessness and pain killers were making it impossible for me to keep my eyes open yesterday, so not only did I cancel my tutoring, I cut short my class). Anyway, whatever dad and grandma thought, I didn't understand because neither did the kid. It had something to do with resting and money, but made no sense. All I knew for sure is that the kid understood that dad and grandma weren't happy with me, and he relished the telling of it. Oh, well. So I get home feeling out of sorts, which is sad because when I left my class today, I was feeling great. In spite of my elbow, it was my last class with that group, and they were my favorite group. They gave their visual presentations today, and I was blown away by the excellence of their work! It restored my faith in students wanting to do well, and it also boosted my flagging ego because they said such nice things to me. It had been a wonderful class, and I'll miss the dynamics of it. ANYWAY, as I was saying, I get home feeling out of sorts, which happens a lot at the end of tutoring this kid, and all of a sudden the thought comes to me I really hate being on display. And that's when it hits me! There's my problem. It's not just needing new challenges, it's the daily necessity of being on, of trying not to do things that might reflect badly on you, always being conscious of what others could be thinking about you, especially if you misstep, the every day, day after day necessity of being with people. I am a true introvert. I love people, but they drain the life out of me. I was not made to be social on a daily basis. I do not get energized the more I'm with people like some do. I MUST get away. I have to have down time so that I can recharge. I literally wilt after being with people for an extended period of time. So that just gives me one more reason why I must arrange my career to suit the person that I am. You know, having to lead college students into discovering what they want out of life and creating plans to manage how to get there has probably had a drastic effect on me right now, as well. Here's some advice for anyone who might end up where I am, don't teach a College Success course when you're in the middle of a midlife crisis. Then again, maybe it's the best thing to do. There you are, standing in front of 20 or more young people telling them to verbalize who they are and what they want, and encouraging them to follow that inner leading, while knowing you haven't done the same.