Who am I kidding?
Nov 13th, 2009 by Paris Dreamer |
Maybe no one. Maybe I will get there. But it ain't lookin' so good. Paris, I mean. It might just remain a dream. I don't even have a passport. I meant to get one last year when I still had some money to do it, but money just seems to slip through my fingers like water.
I could be happy right now if my finances weren't in such a mess. I like teaching. The hours and the work suit me. But I need more of it. As an adjunct at only one college I can only teach 3 classes, no more. And the subject I teach isn't one to which they assign a full-time position. I haven't been able to get on teaching the same thing (college success to college newbies) at the other colleges around here. I need a doctorate to teach education classes in the universities in this area. I need a doctorate like I need a hole in the head. That's one of my financial worries, my student loans. But they're deferred for now.
Why have I made it my life's work to educate myself in areas that are useless? That provide very few opportunities for finding work? First an art teacher. Now adult education and eLearning design. Oh, there are eLearning jobs out there, but without 5+ years experience in the field no one wants to look at me.
There are a couple of other issues that I can't write about because they involve others in my family, but suffice it to say, we're all stressed right now. Really stressed. And Christmas is coming. I know money isn't the basis of Christmas, but it sure helps to make it merry, doesn't it? :-( At least I'll see my parents and brother at Christmas. But my kids won't be there. One son is in Afghanistan, another one will have to stay here working, and my daughter has the opportunity to spend it with her boyfriend, which, if you knew my daughter and what her life is like you would realize is a major deal and a good one at that, though it's a little anxiety ridden for all of us.
My foray into tutoring entrepreneurship was a bust and it left us deep in debt. Now I can't find a decent paying job and my husband's job, though pretty secure, doesn't support even our small family of 3. Especially not with the debt I incurred. Not only that, I would like to see a doctor. I need to see a doctor. But I have no health insurance.
Add to the mix my ongoing experience of "the change" which leaves me with memory gaps, unpredictable mood swings, and crying jags that come and go without warning.
I'm generally in good spirits when I'm distracted from thinking too deeply about all of this...when I'm not experiencing the depression part of the change, that is. But I'm so very, very tired all the time.
Heavy sigh.
I’m having a difficult time believing there is an area in which one could educate one’s self that is “useless.” Knowledge, by itself, is useful. The act of attaining it performs the functions of strengthening your neural capabilities. Learning languages, stretching to understand other cultures — whether or not you ever apply that knowledge — is entirely useful.
For the other chemical reactions that are going on, try a bit of sympathetic magic to get rid of ‘em. 900% of the time menopausal symptoms can be eradicated by getting adequate rest and nutrition. If you can find a way to do that, you’ll probably find the memory lapses and mood swings will dissipate. Disippate. Dipsi… go away.
Despite ridiculous budget cuts, applications to the CA State Uni jumped 53% or something this year. I’d think over in FL there are also lots of adults going, WTF, I need to go back to school. I have no idea where exactly, but intuitively it seems that what you do will be in demand.
It saddens me when peeps can not have med insurance. I’m not following the HC debate, I don’t know anything about it, but I would like to know everyone has access to maintenance and wellness care, not only because it’s right but because those last-minute trips to emergency god forbid cost so much more. But in the meno case, well, yeah, diet and exercise are a start, like I know anything.
Rambling cause I just wish you the best. Keep blogging (again), it’s cathartic not to mention much better personal-connection-wise than that FB thing.