Artful discussion
Posted in Chez Dreamer (At Home), L'art est tout (Art is All), Loving myself on Aug 2nd, 2010
Since I can't find a job that suits me, I'm attempting to develop one that does. This requires that I be serious about being an artist. After all, one can't sell art if one doesn't have art to sell. I'm still an adjunct teacher of College Success courses, which is an enjoyable job, and fulfills my need for change. I have new students every 4 months, and an opportunity to change up things that didn't work or find new material. Unfortunately, it only pays a few of the bills.
I'm in the midst of an existential crisis. That's what Dr. Phil calls it, and his description fits me perfectly. I'm not a big follower of Dr. Phil, but he does, at times, hit the nail on the head. I thought my problem was that I didn't want to be married any more, but it goes deeper than that and is rooted in what feels like a loss of myself. For two thirds of my marriage I was wrapped up in religion and "doing the right thing" regardless of whether or not it fit who I really am. All I wanted was to be a nice person who didn't hurt others, but I also wanted to be in touch with God in a way that meant I'd have a roadmap for my life. I hate being in the wrong. That right there is the source of all my trouble because life is nothing but trial and error, it's practice that never brings about expert status. As soon as you think you have something mastered you get thrown something new that blows your whole worldview.
I have taken up studying Buddhist philosophy. I can't be a Buddhist because I can't get into any of the doctrines/dogma/rituals. My life as a Christian has set me against practicing any kind of religious have-tos. I am convinced that each person's spiritual journey is as unique as the individual, so I'm discovering/uncovering those things that work for me as I continue to understand myself better. I do believe that there is more than the physical aspects of things we can see. I realize that perception can be distorted and our minds/bodies are amazing chemical experiments, but that doesn't mean we don't gain insight when we see beyond what's really here through those distortions and chemical "imbalances" or when we follow what we call our intuition, that knowing from deep within.
My deep within knowing has been plastered over with years and years of shoulds and have-tos. Years of worrying about being wrong instead of just living out what it means to express me, right or wrong. I've made attempts to break out. Well, that's what this last decade's been about, actually, and it's why I've even questioned my marriage.
Anyway, that was a long way to say that it has also affected my art. I know that within me is the ability to produce impressions that express just what I want to express about a subject, but instead I've been caught up in trying to "get it right". And when it's clear that I can't get it right, I get frustrated, I struggle, and though the painting itself, the mixing and laying of color is the most wonderful thing in the world for me, when I am completely at peace and feel that I am exactly where I'm supposed to be, doing what I was born to do, I get upset with the end result. I can't let go of the need for control, to know where I'm going, to GET IT RIGHT.
I'm working on this piece right now:
When I started it, I was copying the picture as closely as I could, but I placed a few things just enough off to throw things out of whack, so I finally began to loosen up a little and just improvise. The problem is, it's part improvised, part right, and the right part looks stupid. For example, even though the street sign is placed where it should be in relation to the building behind it according to the source picture, somehow the pole that holds it rests smack in the center of the sidewalk at the corner, which is so wrong. Yet I didn't see how wrong it was until I scanned it. It's funny how you can miss the obvious.
Also, why was I so determined to include that concrete pole that splits the canvas practically from top to bottom? I should have improvised that right out of the painting. What did I do instead? Because the sidewalk is off a bit I couldn't show as much of the street lamp that should be showing, so I painted it peeking out from either side of the concrete pole. How stupid is that? Get rid of the pole and show the whole street lamp, woman! Well, I will do that. I'm going to fix these things that I can now see, but the painting still does not express what I really want it to express. It's simply a copy of an image instead of an expression of what I felt that day when I was down there walking about on my own, enjoying the day and taking pictures.
I'm too uptight in the painting of my pictures, more concerned with the details than with the composition and how it feels. Literally not seeing (or expressing) the forest for the trees. I'm so concerned that I get each tree right, I completely screw up the painting itself. And that's what I've been like with my life as well. So afraid to make a wrong move that I end up not moving at all or basing decisions on what seems to be the best, the right, thing instead of on what's right for me.
There was more I wanted to say, especially about how being more mindful has helped me to put things in a better perspective, but I'll stop for now and save that for another day. I have a painting to finish and a new one to start. I have some ideas that I want to experiment with. The operative word being experiment. I've been too concerned with having a completed work of art when I finish a painting that I haven't allowed myself to play/experiment/practice/fail and develop my own style of expression. I've been a copyist, not a creator. And it has been killing me, both in my art and in my life. I'm not here to copy others. I have my own life to live and my own way of expressing it. If I could just figure out what that is, maybe I could get on with enjoying what's left of it.
Well, I'm enjoying what I can while I go about figuring it out. After all, it's not like there will ever be an end to the process, will there?


