Dreaming Paris

Let me first say I'm not a morning person. This isn't to say that I don't love mornings. I do. I love the feel of them, and I especially love having the whole morning to get things done. I'm at my best then and accomplish many things around the house on the days when I'm not teaching. If I get up early. Which is rare. Because I'm not a morning person.

Somehow my biological time mechanism that humans are supposed to have, that one that, were we to not have clocks and the ability to go against nature with our artificial lights, kicks in and tells us, it's dark-go to sleep, it's light-wake up, has never worked properly. No matter how early I go to bed, my body's preferred wake up time is 10 or 11 am. In order for me to feel well, I must sleep at least 8 hours, preferably 9, but I'll sleep 12 or 13 if I don't use an alarm. I read in a few places that people who sleep as long as I like to sleep don't live as long, but I often wondered if it counts when you've lived a life that requires you only sleep 6-8 hours because you must get up for work. Is it what your body craves or what you actually make it do that determines these things, because if it's what I've made it do, I'm safe, I should live a good long life, at least based on my length of sleep because even though I'd love to sleep 12 to 13 hours every night, I actually don't. I like to sleep. But I don't like going to bed.

I will stay up well beyond time to go to sleep, even if I'm tired. I used to read late into the night, now I'm on the internet. Part of the reason for that is that at night it's usually quiet. It's the one time in my life where I can feel like I'm alone. I need that. Living with other people distresses me. I would be perfectly content living alone. When I say that to friends who are alone they tell me, no, you wouldn't. Be glad of what you have. Well, I am glad, but the fact remains that living with people distresses me. I KNOW that I would be perfectly content living by myself. Not as a hermit of course. I need people. But I need that alone time, too. And I can tell you that I know I'd like it because I've done it, and it was wonderful.

Well, as I said, I'm not a morning person, so waking up is never a good thing for me. I'm used to the icky feelings I have when I open my eyes and realize that I have to get up. But this morning was different. I could tell that my internal pharmacist had mixed my brain and body chemicals in the wrong proportions. This was not the normal ickies. This was my day of regret, the day when the consequences of my actions would come to roost.

Ever since I cut out sugar as much as possible from my diet I've had fewer days of depression. I've felt more myself. Adding whole grains, nuts, fruits and vegetables in greater quantities brings my mind to its usual upbeat, positive state. Adding exercise gives me an almost high. You'd think I'd make a habit, then, of all those things that I know will make me feel good, but I'm sorry, vegetables and exercise simply aren't as pleasurable as a slice of cheesecake with blackberry topping. IT JUST ISN'T! So sometimes I fall off the wagon. I crave the sugary goodness and just can't say no, even though I know I'll regret it. As I'm regretting it today.

Tears, anger, impatience, frustration, they have made their home in me today. Ugh.

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Haven't even been very active on FB. But I thought I'd post a health update. I've now lost a total of ten pounds since I changed how I eat. I've also been incorporating more activity, though still not a regular routine. But I feel better overall. Still have those downer days, but they're manageable. I think I'll do even better now that the holidays, along with getting back into the swing of things after the holidays, are over. I did binge a bit during and after, but not so much that I gained anything, which surprised me! I managed to maintain, and then finally begin losing again. So. I'm teaching 4 classes this semester and keeping busy with house stuff, painting (yes, I'm painting pictures again!), going to French meetups and art events, and the general everyday things that keep one busy. But not so busy that I can't relax, which is what I'm soaking up.

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6 pounds in the last month. It's not as good as I'd hoped, but I guess the older I get, the more difficult it is for the pounds to come off. Anyway, I'm doing good. No falling off the wagon or even the desire to.

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Just wanted to note that since I've cut refined sugar and white starches from my life to practically nil, I have been feeling much better and have more energy. The night before last I allowed myself some cookies from a gift from my son's girlfriend, and I woke up feeling like I had a hangover. Though my scare turned out to be just that, a scare and not an actual problem, I have continued to eat as though it were real because it so easily could be, and that consequence from a very small cookie binge just proved that sugar really is like poison to me. I'm physically happier without it.

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So, 3 years ago my doctor told me I was prediabetic, which spurred me into action and I lost 30 pounds, 25 of which I have since put back on. But last week I had another scare, and there cannot be any going back for me. I have changed my lifestyle. Luckily, I already had most of the groundwork covered. I have my tracking tools, my guidelines, my exercise routines, etc. I created it all over time to best fit my abilities. I mean, let's face it, there's no way I'm going to go to the gym and do a 30-60 minute workout regularly. Not even to save my life. But I will do yoga 3 times a week and go walking or cycling 3 times a week. Or dancing. One day that will become part of my routine. When I have money again and can justify the cover charge. I have no choice in the matter. The only thing to roll back diabetes, and it can be rolled back but you will always have it (it's like being an alcoholic) is diet and exercise. No more refined sugar, ever. Lots of fruits and vegetables and good carbohydrates (no starchy white foods). So after reading up a little more thoroughly on the disease, I'm very glad to know that I'm not having to start from scratch in creating a plan for myself. I just need to implement the things I've already created. I use a combination of a neat little book called The Ultimate Pocket Diet Journal and sparkpeople.com for tracking my foods and their nutritional values. I've been entering foods into my Sparkpeople database over the last 3 years, so I'm not always having to do that now. The only new tool I've created is a chart to check off my suggested number of servings of the various food groups and the colors of fruits and vegetables I'm taking in. I should be getting a good variety of colors, so this is letting me see my weak areas so that I can work on them. I already know that legumes and dk green veggies are tough for me. Sparkpeople also helps you track your fitness plan, so I can figure out how many calories I'm using up with various activities. It's trés cool. If you like the idea of social networking to help you with your weight/fitness goals, Sparkpeople is the best free place I've found. I don't do the social networking, though. I get enough of that w/FB. Don't need more. Don't want to talk about my new lifestyle all the time, I just want to do it. Which is what this post is about. I'm doing it. And so far, it's a-okay. My biggest problem is cutting out the fat grams now. Basically they're coming from dairy products, and occasionally nuts, both of which I love, but I must be more careful with the dairy. Cut back to fatfree milk. Doing lowfat cheese. But still, there's too much. I'm also vegetarian again. I was one for two years, I went off it for one year, and as of Nov. 1, I went back to being one. Even though I like meat, there were days when it kind of nauseated me when I thought about what I was eating. I decided I really didn't need it after all. And I'm doing great with that. Now that I have to watch everything else as well, well, I guess I'm relearning how humans were meant to eat to begin with. We really don't need a lot of meat, we're fruit, vegetable and grain creatures. Plant creatures. We can exist completely on what grows from the earth, and our bodies like us better for it. And not processed stuff, either! Fresh, though cooked is okay. So anyway, we'll see. I want to see the kind of success Nancy achieved. I've admired her tremendously for her self-discipline because I know how difficult it is. But I AM NOT going to get up at 3 am to exercise. I'm just not!

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