Dreaming Paris

Since I can't find a job that suits me, I'm attempting to develop one that does. This requires that I be serious about being an artist. After all, one can't sell art if one doesn't have art to sell. I'm still an adjunct teacher of College Success courses, which is an enjoyable job, and fulfills my need for change. I have new students every 4 months, and an opportunity to change up things that didn't work or find new material. Unfortunately, it only pays a few of the bills.

I'm in the midst of an existential crisis. That's what Dr. Phil calls it, and his description fits me perfectly. I'm not a big follower of Dr. Phil, but he does, at times, hit the nail on the head. I thought my problem was that I didn't want to be married any more, but it goes deeper than that and is rooted in what feels like a loss of myself. For two thirds of my marriage I was wrapped up in religion and "doing the right thing" regardless of whether or not it fit who I really am. All I wanted was to be a nice person who didn't hurt others, but I also wanted to be in touch with God in a way that meant I'd have a roadmap for my life. I hate being in the wrong. That right there is the source of all my trouble because life is nothing but trial and error, it's practice that never brings about expert status. As soon as you think you have something mastered you get thrown something new that blows your whole worldview.

I have taken up studying Buddhist philosophy. I can't be a Buddhist because I can't get into any of the doctrines/dogma/rituals. My life as a Christian has set me against practicing any kind of religious have-tos. I am convinced that each person's spiritual journey is as unique as the individual, so I'm discovering/uncovering those things that work for me as I continue to understand myself better. I do believe that there is more than the physical aspects of things we can see. I realize that perception can be distorted and our minds/bodies are amazing chemical experiments, but that doesn't mean we don't gain insight when we see beyond what's really here through those distortions and chemical "imbalances" or when we follow what we call our intuition, that knowing from deep within.

My deep within knowing has been plastered over with years and years of shoulds and have-tos. Years of worrying about being wrong instead of just living out what it means to express me, right or wrong. I've made attempts to break out. Well, that's what this last decade's been about, actually, and it's why I've even questioned my marriage.

Anyway, that was a long way to say that it has also affected my art. I know that within me is the ability to produce impressions that express just what I want to express about a subject, but instead I've been caught up in trying to "get it right". And when it's clear that I can't get it right, I get frustrated, I struggle, and though the painting itself, the mixing and laying of color is the most wonderful thing in the world for me, when I am completely at peace and feel that I am exactly where I'm supposed to be, doing what I was born to do, I get upset with the end result. I can't let go of the need for control, to know where I'm going, to GET IT RIGHT.

I'm working on this piece right now:

When I started it, I was copying the picture as closely as I could, but I placed a few things just enough off to throw things out of whack, so I finally began to loosen up a little and just improvise. The problem is, it's part improvised, part right, and the right part looks stupid. For example, even though the street sign is placed where it should be in relation to the building behind it according to the source picture, somehow the pole that holds it rests smack in the center of the sidewalk at the corner, which is so wrong. Yet I didn't see how wrong it was until I scanned it. It's funny how you can miss the obvious.

Also, why was I so determined to include that concrete pole that splits the canvas practically from top to bottom? I should have improvised that right out of the painting. What did I do instead? Because the sidewalk is off a bit I couldn't show as much of the street lamp that should be showing, so I painted it peeking out from either side of the concrete pole. How stupid is that? Get rid of the pole and show the whole street lamp, woman! Well, I will do that. I'm going to fix these things that I can now see, but the painting still does not express what I really want it to express. It's simply a copy of an image instead of an expression of what I felt that day when I was down there walking about on my own, enjoying the day and taking pictures.

I'm too uptight in the painting of my pictures, more concerned with the details than with the composition and how it feels. Literally not seeing (or expressing) the forest for the trees. I'm so concerned that I get each tree right, I completely screw up the painting itself. And that's what I've been like with my life as well. So afraid to make a wrong move that I end up not moving at all or basing decisions on what seems to be the best, the right, thing instead of on what's right for me.

There was more I wanted to say, especially about how being more mindful has helped me to put things in a better perspective, but I'll stop for now and save that for another day. I have a painting to finish and a new one to start. I have some ideas that I want to experiment with. The operative word being experiment. I've been too concerned with having a completed work of art when I finish a painting that I haven't allowed myself to play/experiment/practice/fail and develop my own style of expression. I've been a copyist, not a creator. And it has been killing me, both in my art and in my life. I'm not here to copy others. I have my own life to live and my own way of expressing it. If I could just figure out what that is, maybe I could get on with enjoying what's left of it.

Well, I'm enjoying what I can while I go about figuring it out. After all, it's not like there will ever be an end to the process, will there?

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I'm not going to get into the specifics of why I'm here. Suffice it to say that I'm at a turning point in my life, and what I do now will determine my future.

Ooooh. How dramatic. One could say that any decision at any moment can determine one's future. Even unintended decisions. Look at what happened to me simply because I didn't notice that the street I was on changed from a 2-way to a 1-way. Suddenly I'm confronting thoughts about mortality that I'd never had before, and it makes a difference in how I respond to things these days. The way I thought about life the day before the accident has shifted since the accident, and I'm taking a good hard look at what I truly value in my life. While I had an original reason for coming to Seattle to visit my brother, and that reason still weighs on me, my view has shifted and given me new things to think about.

I may not take that new job. It throws me back into a position I left, a path I turned away from. I applied for it because I was discouraged, because I thought "there's a job I could surely get," and I think I needed to have it proven that yes, I have value that others can see and I'm worth the offer of a job, and if, after my weeks here in Seattle I can find a way to make this job fit into my desires for my life, I'll take it. Nothing's been signed yet, and that in itself makes me think that there's a reason for that. There are many pluses on its behalf, though many negatives as well, not least of which is it doesn't pay nearly what I thought it did (and don't ask me why I thought it did. My mind's been mush for the last few months.) I'm still on the roster for teaching in the fall, and I love teaching. I'm also waiting to hear about a full-time teaching position I applied for, the one that I don't think I got because I know office politics, but one never can tell. If I can find another part-time job, one that fits well with my job as an adjunct, keeps me going in the direction that I really want to go with my career, and allows me to get medical insurance, that's what I want to do. I'm not a 9 to 5 person. I like having flexibility and change in my schedule and the freedom to do things for myself throughout the day.

Anyway, I'm thinking of being here as a retreat. It's one that I have to organize and schedule for myself, which requires discipline, but that in itself is something that I need to develop. I'm good at discipline while on a job, but not as good when it comes to personal things. And when I say discipline, I don't mean that I intend to whip myself into shape by force, which can't be done given my personality, but that I work seriously to nurture good habits within myself.

Remember my post on loving myself? That's what this is about. Finding what's really true for me and going with it. For years now I have cultivated certain behaviors and gained knowledge in areas that I've wanted to change within myself. And now I have a period of peace and a driving need, a motivation to see it through. These are the things that truly matter to me: 1. becoming healthy through a better diet and exercising in a way that fits who I am and how I live. 2. developing my artistic ability. 3. nurturing my spirit given my changed beliefs (but just so you know, I have abandoned any atheistic leanings I was having. I do still believe there is *something* and I'll call it God, but I don't believe it's a Christian god. It's an everyone's kind of god.)

I believe that if I can bring about a balance in those 3 things, the rest of my life will fall into place, and maybe my restlessness won't drive me mad any more. So while here at my brother's I will be doing those things that will help me to develop each of those areas. Such things include:

1. Therapy with a counselor who works holistically and within my spiritual beliefs

2. Developing better eating habits and daily exercise of some form (and since my brother has the same goals when it comes to health, hopefully we'll help each other)

3. Doing yoga and meditation

4. Painting (I had to pay a second bag fee just to bring my art supplies)

I brought some French books, too, to get down to some serious language study, but that's a lesser priority in the scheme of things.

Why have come to this point? Because my life simply wasn't working as it was, and I couldn't take another step until I confronted this.

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I'm going to be spending the summer working on artistic endeavors. This is NOT an example of what I'll be working on, but it's a painting that my son asked me to do for him a year ago, and I have finished it at last! It was both fun and tedious at the same time. I didn't enjoy the subject matter, but as always, I enjoyed the painting itself.

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Okay, so to those of you reading, this may look like I'm having an identity crisis, or midlife crisis, or something, but I think it's actually the culmination of a decade long midlife/identity crisis. I've written about some of this stuff before, and it's no secret that I've been tugged in the past to make more of an effort to develop my artistic side. It's because of this inner struggle that I first joined MW, so some of you have been along for the ride the whole time. As a result, you've seen me change in some ways, stay the same in others, and you've probably read some of the same whines over and over. Bless you! So I come home today from a strained tutoring session in which my student tries to gleefully upset me by telling me what his dad and grandmother thought of me calling and cancelling our session yesterday and asking to change it to tomorrow (I have been experiencing some serious tennis elbow and lack of sleep, which only aggravated the elbow worse to the point that sleeplessness and pain killers were making it impossible for me to keep my eyes open yesterday, so not only did I cancel my tutoring, I cut short my class). Anyway, whatever dad and grandma thought, I didn't understand because neither did the kid. It had something to do with resting and money, but made no sense. All I knew for sure is that the kid understood that dad and grandma weren't happy with me, and he relished the telling of it. Oh, well. So I get home feeling out of sorts, which is sad because when I left my class today, I was feeling great. In spite of my elbow, it was my last class with that group, and they were my favorite group. They gave their visual presentations today, and I was blown away by the excellence of their work! It restored my faith in students wanting to do well, and it also boosted my flagging ego because they said such nice things to me. It had been a wonderful class, and I'll miss the dynamics of it. ANYWAY, as I was saying, I get home feeling out of sorts, which happens a lot at the end of tutoring this kid, and all of a sudden the thought comes to me I really hate being on display. And that's when it hits me! There's my problem. It's not just needing new challenges, it's the daily necessity of being on, of trying not to do things that might reflect badly on you, always being conscious of what others could be thinking about you, especially if you misstep, the every day, day after day necessity of being with people. I am a true introvert. I love people, but they drain the life out of me. I was not made to be social on a daily basis. I do not get energized the more I'm with people like some do. I MUST get away. I have to have down time so that I can recharge. I literally wilt after being with people for an extended period of time. So that just gives me one more reason why I must arrange my career to suit the person that I am. You know, having to lead college students into discovering what they want out of life and creating plans to manage how to get there has probably had a drastic effect on me right now, as well. Here's some advice for anyone who might end up where I am, don't teach a College Success course when you're in the middle of a midlife crisis. Then again, maybe it's the best thing to do. There you are, standing in front of 20 or more young people telling them to verbalize who they are and what they want, and encouraging them to follow that inner leading, while knowing you haven't done the same.

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Why do you try to understand art? Do you try to understand the song of a bird? - Pablo Picasso

Okay, so I've been thinking, my entire approach to this job thing has been all wrong, and I've known it for years. I know what I like, I know what I want, and I've been dabbling in it on and off since forever, and it wasn't until I took the plunge with tutoring that I finally put it all on the line to have my own business, but the problem was, it was the wrong business. I'm tired of tutoring. I don't mind doing it here or there for some extra money, but not as a regular business. I don't care if that's what I ended up knowing so much about, the fact is, I used my tutoring job to learn other skills, creative skills, skills that made me happy, and now it's time for me to follow my heart totally. It's the only thing that's going to work for me. Instead of sitting around day after day looking through ads and applying for jobs that I'll never get, and wouldn't like even if I did, playing at life the way the rest of the world does it, yet actually just wasting my time working cruddy jobs while waiting around for that perfect job to come along and throwing away what precious time I have left on this planet, I am going to use that energy to pursue what I want, never mind if I make any money at it. It's when you pursue what you're meant to pursue that things fall into place, and let's face it, nothing has ever really fallen into place for me while I've attempted to "do the right thing," which was never, and could never, be the right thing for me. I've fallen into a couple of good opportunities when I needed them, which seems to be the way life works, at least for me (rarely do I ever get what I really go after when I've been all about the financial aspect of things), and I've used them to my advantage, but they were temporary detours on what should have been a more straight forward path if I weren't such a wimp. Okay, so I'm a late bloomer, a little dim on the uptake, but by golly I'm going to pursue my artistic talents. Remember when I was posting those drawings and paintings for awhile? I was so happy then. I loved going to the figure drawing class. I loved spending time mixing my colors and experimenting. I simply CANNOT continue my life as I have been. I just CANNOT. I have a good side gig going with teaching and tutoring, which leaves me with time to work at my art. I have a studio now, one I haven't even used as a studio since it was put up. It's been my study while going to school, and then my office while developing the tutoring business. It's time to turn it into what it was meant to be, dadgummit! An artist's studio. But what am I going to do with my desk now? Ha! I know exactly what I can do. Oh, yes, this is going to work. You see, over the years I have gathered together supplies that will keep me going for months, so there won't be much outlay in replacement materials for a little while, at least. No real overhead. I have canvases, paints, brushes, drawing pencils of all kinds. I also have art and graphic software. And I've kept up my AJArtworks business license. So this is very, very doable. But what about your bills, you say? Well, the creditors are willing to work with me to make payments affordable until I'm making more money. They have to be these days if they want any of their money back. This might actually be a pretty good time for me to pursue this, when the credit people are willing to be somewhat lenient. And don't they say, "Do what you love and the money will come?" Well, it never has come for me while doing things I didn't really love, just liked or tolerated fairly well, so what do I really have to lose? But what about the economy? Art isn't something people are likely to want to spend money on right now. True. And yet, my daughter just attended a 3 day anime convention at which people threw their money away on things that they loved, so if I just create things that people can love, it could work. It will take some doing, but I don't mind that, not when in pursuit of a new project and doing something that brings me joy. But what about your husband, you say, and having to work full-time while going to school? Well, nothing was different when he was first offered this opportunity, and it didn't look any more doable then than it does now, but he's going with it. It will work because that's what he wants, and it's his time. If it means my daughter and I don't see him for the next 2 years because he's working and going to school, well, that's what it means, and he'll have to do what he needs to do to succeed. Between the two of us, my daughter and I can keep him fed and clothed in clean clothes. We can share the duties of the house, and if it means sometimes the house is a bit...disorganized, well, what else is new? I lived like that for years while rearing children. Still live like that when C and I are both having bad days. But the bad days would be considerably less on my part if I didn't have unhappy things to dwell upon because I'd be too busy doing things that make me happy, yes? Eventually, hopefully sooner rather than later, I will be successful as a painter of pictures, a mural artist, whatever, with my educational sidelines to fill in any gaps if necessary, and my husband will be able to quit work and be a full-time student. Should I give myself a time limit, though? What if I'm right here in the same place a year from now, getting further and further behind the financial curve? That would be very, very bad. You see, it's those kinds of thoughts that make me not do what my heart tells me to do, and then I make very bad decisions, like settling for jobs that pay crap and don't allow me to fulfill my potential, which just leads me right back here to this very same place of soul-searching and unhappiness. You know they say you need an education to get anywhere today, but it doesn't guarantee that you'll get anywhere, especially since degrees now are a dime a dozen. All I can say is that the best my degrees have given me is a slight increase in pay from clerking and food service work, but not much. My son, the pizza delivery driver, was making almost as much as I was as a supervisor (okay, I also had insurance, which is a biggie, but still). On my own, I didn't even make a living wage. So why should I work so hard doing something I only like sometimes for pittance, when I can do something I love for pittance...and maybe, because I love it and infuse it with my passion for it, more than pittance? Okay. I'm really scared about this, you know. And it feels as though I'm sacrificing my family for myself yet again, and if I bomb, I've only made yet another bad decision. But I can't back down now. I'm here. I know what I want to do. I want to succeed. I have everything that I need, including time, which used to be my excuse for not pursuing it before. I was too busy making a living and too pooped when I came home to do more. If not now, when?

How could you reach the pearl by only looking at the sea? If you seek the pearl, be a diver: the diver needs several qualities: he must trust his rope and his life to the Friend's hand, he must stop breathing, and he must jump. - Jelalludin Rumi

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