Dreaming Paris

Thank you for offering me the position of TLC Coordinator, but after continued consideration, I have concluded that this position isn't one that will meet my needs. I have been offered another class where I've been working, and the increase I would have in pay per month at XX College simply doesn't make up for the commute and longer hours. I have decided to keep looking until I find exactly what suits me. I sincerely apologize for delaying your own plans, but hope that you will find a better fit. I enjoyed meeting you, and I know I would have enjoyed working at XX College.

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I'm applying all over the place, and there is one position that has come open that would suit me quite well. It fulfills my need for organization and structure (yes, artists can require this, too), keeps me in education, has enough duties to keep me interested and to allow me to use some of my creative skills, pays exactly what I was looking for, and is in a place that I would love to go to every day because it houses the arts for my college and is located in the part of town that I want to begin painting. So whatever you do, be it crossing fingers, praying, thinking good thoughts, I can use all of that right now, though I'm practicing letting outcomes go and just doing what my hand finds to do in the moment so as not to be a freaking basket case over financial matters! So I could use that crossing fingers, praying, etc. for that, too. ;-)

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Maybe no one. Maybe I will get there. But it ain't lookin' so good. Paris, I mean. It might just remain a dream. I don't even have a passport. I meant to get one last year when I still had some money to do it, but money just seems to slip through my fingers like water. I could be happy right now if my finances weren't in such a mess. I like teaching. The hours and the work suit me. But I need more of it. As an adjunct at only one college I can only teach 3 classes, no more. And the subject I teach isn't one to which they assign a full-time position. I haven't been able to get on teaching the same thing (college success to college newbies) at the other colleges around here. I need a doctorate to teach education classes in the universities in this area. I need a doctorate like I need a hole in the head. That's one of my financial worries, my student loans. But they're deferred for now. Why have I made it my life's work to educate myself in areas that are useless? That provide very few opportunities for finding work? First an art teacher. Now adult education and eLearning design. Oh, there are eLearning jobs out there, but without 5+ years experience in the field no one wants to look at me. There are a couple of other issues that I can't write about because they involve others in my family, but suffice it to say, we're all stressed right now. Really stressed. And Christmas is coming. I know money isn't the basis of Christmas, but it sure helps to make it merry, doesn't it? :-( At least I'll see my parents and brother at Christmas. But my kids won't be there. One son is in Afghanistan, another one will have to stay here working, and my daughter has the opportunity to spend it with her boyfriend, which, if you knew my daughter and what her life is like you would realize is a major deal and a good one at that, though it's a little anxiety ridden for all of us. My foray into tutoring entrepreneurship was a bust and it left us deep in debt. Now I can't find a decent paying job and my husband's job, though pretty secure, doesn't support even our small family of 3. Especially not with the debt I incurred. Not only that, I would like to see a doctor. I need to see a doctor. But I have no health insurance. Add to the mix my ongoing experience of "the change" which leaves me with memory gaps, unpredictable mood swings, and crying jags that come and go without warning. I'm generally in good spirits when I'm distracted from thinking too deeply about all of this...when I'm not experiencing the depression part of the change, that is. But I'm so very, very tired all the time. Heavy sigh.

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I mentioned in my last post that today was my last day with a really great group of students. The dynamics of the class made it a lot of fun. One of the things that I like most about this course is that it allows the students to get to know each other, and in the case of this class, that was a pretty cool sight to see. I watched students gravitate to one another and to complement each other, where one student was weak, the other was strong and vice versa when they worked in groups or pairs. The gregarious would take the shy under their wings, and they would both shine when they had to present, each offering what they were good at to the project. The final presentation is my own creation. This course follows a pretty straightforward curriculum and includes a lot of material pre-created for you until you get on your feet, but I knew from the beginning that I couldn't go without making the class do some kind of visual presentation, which I have since incorporated in every class since (I've also chucked a lot of material and added my own). I decided to have them pick out 5 things that they learned in class that benefitted them, and to create a visual of them. Then they would have to explain the visual to the class. This gives the students a chance to articulate just exactly what they accomplished in the course. The practical value of this for me as a teacher is that the class ends up getting a great review of the material without me lifting a finger. But it's also very rewarding for me because I find out what the students were thinking when we covered the material, where their thoughts and actions took them because of it. Today I discovered that one of the students had planned to become an elementary school teacher, but because of the many tests, surveys, and discussions we had about what we're really good at and the things we enjoy, he realized that what he really wanted to be was an EMT. Two of my students said they had been C students before taking this class, but because they began to put into practice the techniques they learned on taking notes and reading, but most especially because I stressed to them how much easier studying would be if they took it in small chunks every day, continually reviewing the material, so that by the time the test came, they'd already have the material in their memories so the major study time could be radically cut and they could be more confident going into the tests...deep breath...they were now A students. They also made me laugh, many times over, because most of them were comfortable up there, and comfortable with the audience, and there was some good give and take and some real insight coming from these young people as they looked beyond where they were to where they wanted to be and what they wanted to do. I had one young lady who seemed to be going through a difficult time this semester, and you could tell she was having a hard time caring about school, yet she cared enough to at least want to pass, and when she got up, she admitted that she wasn't very good at critical thinking, that she was a "biased jumper", one of the types of critical thinkers we discussed. She said she didn't think she could change it right now, that's just the way she was, but maybe one day, when she got older, she could change. Hey! The fact that she could be honest with herself, that she actually understood something about her thinking and how it didn't serve her very well, was critical thinking in the early stages, yes?! I watched and listened to these precious, precious people; the young military man who would never have to work because he was injured while serving, earned a purple heart, and was financially supported, but wanted to go to school and learn and be a good role model to his child; the young woman in her 30's, coming back to school while battling cancer; the older woman changing careers midstream; the young man who was in a car accident and suffered brain damage, causing him to have to work so much harder than his peers to keep up, yet having the grit to do it and succeed. It's when I have days like this that I do love teaching. But really, it isn't so much the teaching as it is being allowed to be a part of these people's lives. They let me in. They let their classmates in. And they were truly inspiring today, not just with their words, but with their actions as even the shy ones took their place at the front and confronted their fear of being there. You know what always tugs at my heart? The young men with children. Because this is a class where students have to review their lives, their beliefs, and their desires, I end up reading some pretty personal stuff. They don't have to be quite so personal, and some of them aren't, but some of them are, and it's always very precious to me when these young dads write so tenderly and lovingly about their children and what they want for them. The women do it, too, and it's probably very wrong of me, but I expect that of women, I'm used to it. I'm not so used to hearing such caring from men, even though I know men care as deeply as mothers about their kids. But they usually show it in ways other than tender words. Anyway, I'm going to miss this class, but we took group pictures, so I'll be able to remember them. And they have my number if they ever need anything. Maybe I'll hear from one of them one day when they become successful, not necessarily financially, but in ways that bring them satisfaction and fulfillment.

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I'm terrible at it. I seem to make the wrong ones. I think they're good at the time because they're practical, they make sense, and for anyone else, they WOULD be good decisions. Problem is, I am not, at heart, a practical person. Well, no, I guess that's not true. How should I describe what I'm like? I like to be practical in the sense that I'm good at coming up with solutions when things are broken around the house, or I'm trying to make physical things work. I have a great deal of common sense in anything that has to do with my hands, making things, that sort of thing. But when it comes to making decisions about living, I follow my heart, even after I've taken all the steps to be a practical person and do things that ought to make me a success in my chosen career-education. But I'm just not happy with those decisions over the long haul. I always find a new challenge exciting and exhilarating, and I'll love whatever my job is when it's new, because I'm having to test myself and come up with ways to make what I'm doing better. I love doing that. But eventually I reach a point of saturation, a point where I feel, "Okay, I know how to do this, and I know I can do it well, what's next?" This is a HORRIBLE way to feel when you have to pay for a daughter who needs health care (not to mention myself now that I'm getting older and more creaky) and a lifetime of student loans because you end up very unhappy. I just don't have what it takes to stick it out after a certain point. My job as tutoring center supervisor lasted two months shy of 8 years, the longest I've held any job, and the only reason it did is because my crew kept changing, so I was meeting these wonderful people from all over the world, and I kept developing creative challenges for myself in order to build my skills in multimedia, but eventually I was simply bored out of my mind silly with tutoring. I am now on the Board of Directors for the National Tutoring Association. It's an organization that I believe in, and I feel honored to have been chosen. It also looks good on my resume. But I'm tired of tutoring, folks. I accepted being on the board because it was the practical thing to do to continue to advance in the field of education, and I was flattered. I like the sound of it, "I'm on the Board of Directors, blah, blah, blah." As long as I'm on it, I'll do what's necessary, and I'll continue to create things and be a presenter at the conventions, etc., but frankly I resent any of the time it takes away from other things that are in my heart to do. I say I want to revise the book I wrote, and I know how to make it better, but I keep putting it off and putting it off because...I ALREADY DID IT! I've written TWO tutoring books (and I actually like the first one I wrote for my center better) and to do it again is a waste of my time (or so my heart says). I've proven I can do it. I've learned what goes into it. I have no desire to be a tutoring expert and write book after book on the subject, I just had fun testing myself. Capice? I know now that the reason I entered education is because it was safe. I'm a shy person at heart, someone who has to exert herself and push through barriers to connect with the world. You know why I do it? Because I love people and hate being afraid. But I'm afraid. I was never afraid in school. I excelled in school. It was my comfort zone. It continues to be my comfort zone. But I'm not happy staying there! Yes, right now I love teaching. Every 2-4 months I experience a completely new class, and right now, I'm still in the tweaking phase, I'm still creating new ways to do what I do. But going into my fourth class of teaching the same subject, I'm feeling those pangs of boredom again. I've proven to myself I can do it, and I can do it well. I will always love getting up in front of people in order to help them learn something new. Teaching is in me. That's weird when you consider my shyness, but I guess it's because I've been given permission to lead. It's an agreement between me and the audience, and as long as I'm in that role, it's okay. It was the same when I was in plays in school. As long as the role was defined, I was okay. But please don't make me push myself forward on behalf of myself. I suck at it. I really do. It was a real effort to develop my online tutoring business, but because I put myself into a role that others accepted, I was able to do  it, though I'm sure I could have done it better had I been someone other than me. Money was a factor in closing down, but it was also that part of me that was tired of tutoring and relieved that I had an excuse to close it down. Anyway, I was saying that teaching is in me, but just as everything else I do, I can't do these things over the long haul. I need breaks, I need times of doing something totally new and different, and then, if I come back to teaching, if it's a new topic, I'll love it again. Do you know what I never tire of? Planning things out and working with my hands. But even there, I always need a new project to do. I've done all kinds of artsy, craftsy things over my lifetime, but once I learned how to do it well enough to understand what went into it, I moved on to something else. I can crochet, knit, sew, decorate cakes, cane chairs, build/repair small pieces of furniture, paint walls decoratively, throw pots on a wheel, do ceramics, fill a home with decorative touches, and so on, but always, I've moved on to something else. Sewing is a chore for me now unless I were to come across a beatiful piece of fabric that moved my imagination to find the perfect pattern to create a new dress for myself, but I'm so fat I wouldn't enjoy it. I look at my walls and think I want some brighter, happier colors in the house, but the thought of painting them makes me tired. I don't have small children to make fun birthday cakes for any more. I do love the thought of getting out and working in my yard except that it's just too, too hot. I wilt after ten minutes when I try and get horrible, blinding headaches. None of this is here nor there, what I'm leading up to is the fact that something I never get tired of doing, maybe because the subject matter always changes, is drawing and painting, yet those two things are always left to last to do because my practical side tells me I should be doing all those other practical things that ought to be bringing a decent living wage into our coffers, even though they're not and never have because I just don't have the drive and follow through to climb the ladder of an educational career. I'll think about moving forward and maybe eventually becoming a dean or even a campus president because that's the way my mind works. I do like challenges, I do like testing myself. But I know that once I got there and could say, "I did it!" I'd be ready to quit. I'd actually hate the day to day of those kinds of jobs because it doesn't feed my soul the way art does. See, we're back to the way I'm led by my heart, even when I try so hard to be practical. It's my heart that doesn't allow me to remain content in any job I've had. It's my heart that pulls at me with such force that even when I determine to keep on keeping on for the sake of the people I love in my life, I end up falling on my face. I wish that I could be someone who could find peace and contentment in the knowledge that I'm taking care of my loved ones, making life good for them, but I'm not. I'm selfish. I need what I need, and when I don't get it, I'm a mess. A wreck of a human being. And here I am, 50 years old and $50.000 in debt with student loans, not to mention a whole lot of other debt, and I'm contemplating spending the rest of my life in the field of education with horror (now that I've once again come against that wall of boredom when I thought that perhaps this time, finally, I'd found something I could continue to love), wondering what on earth I've done to myself, and by extension my family, by deciding to do something that sounded practical at the time. Lifehacker had an article about websites that help you to make decisions, and I decided to try one of them just for fun. Heh. Like I didn't already know the result of the query before I asked it, namely, which career path should I choose, art or education? Anyway, the site is Let Simon Decide, and here are the final screenshots.

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I put this note on the door so that students who came early could be prepared (class starts at 11:00): SLS 1501 Ms. J's class, If you do not have them GO PRINT YOUR ADVISING GUIDE AND EDUCATIONAL PLANS NOW if you can be back by 11:05. Background: I have talked to them at least 3 times about the advising guides and educational plans which are part of their final project. I have told them where to find them, having demonstrated our online system that allows me to post announcements, upload files, give them their grades, etc. which they know is part of how we conduct our class. It is their lifeline to information that they need. We are in week 10 of the course. If they don't know this by now, WHERE HAVE THEY BEEN? I posted an announcement Sunday night telling them to have their advising guides and plans printed and brought to class on Tuesday, AND I told them the same thing before we broke for spring break. I told them an advisor would be coming to class to help them do this portion of their final project. Problem: my note confused them Is my note confusing? I can see how starting it the way I did can be confusing, but once having read it all the way through, was I wrong to assume they would understand it? One of my students said he saw the sign early, but didn't read it until it was time to come into class because he didn't want the reading of it to interfere with his break. Another one came in and said, what do we have to print out? What is "them"? Another one said, "Where are we meeting?" And so it went. Sigh. Some days it requires a tremendous amount of patience to deal with people. Today I didn't have that patience. Thankfully, I also didn't have to teach much as the class time was taken up by the advisor's presentation.

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