Dreaming Paris

I'm not going to get into the specifics of why I'm here. Suffice it to say that I'm at a turning point in my life, and what I do now will determine my future.

Ooooh. How dramatic. One could say that any decision at any moment can determine one's future. Even unintended decisions. Look at what happened to me simply because I didn't notice that the street I was on changed from a 2-way to a 1-way. Suddenly I'm confronting thoughts about mortality that I'd never had before, and it makes a difference in how I respond to things these days. The way I thought about life the day before the accident has shifted since the accident, and I'm taking a good hard look at what I truly value in my life. While I had an original reason for coming to Seattle to visit my brother, and that reason still weighs on me, my view has shifted and given me new things to think about.

I may not take that new job. It throws me back into a position I left, a path I turned away from. I applied for it because I was discouraged, because I thought "there's a job I could surely get," and I think I needed to have it proven that yes, I have value that others can see and I'm worth the offer of a job, and if, after my weeks here in Seattle I can find a way to make this job fit into my desires for my life, I'll take it. Nothing's been signed yet, and that in itself makes me think that there's a reason for that. There are many pluses on its behalf, though many negatives as well, not least of which is it doesn't pay nearly what I thought it did (and don't ask me why I thought it did. My mind's been mush for the last few months.) I'm still on the roster for teaching in the fall, and I love teaching. I'm also waiting to hear about a full-time teaching position I applied for, the one that I don't think I got because I know office politics, but one never can tell. If I can find another part-time job, one that fits well with my job as an adjunct, keeps me going in the direction that I really want to go with my career, and allows me to get medical insurance, that's what I want to do. I'm not a 9 to 5 person. I like having flexibility and change in my schedule and the freedom to do things for myself throughout the day.

Anyway, I'm thinking of being here as a retreat. It's one that I have to organize and schedule for myself, which requires discipline, but that in itself is something that I need to develop. I'm good at discipline while on a job, but not as good when it comes to personal things. And when I say discipline, I don't mean that I intend to whip myself into shape by force, which can't be done given my personality, but that I work seriously to nurture good habits within myself.

Remember my post on loving myself? That's what this is about. Finding what's really true for me and going with it. For years now I have cultivated certain behaviors and gained knowledge in areas that I've wanted to change within myself. And now I have a period of peace and a driving need, a motivation to see it through. These are the things that truly matter to me: 1. becoming healthy through a better diet and exercising in a way that fits who I am and how I live. 2. developing my artistic ability. 3. nurturing my spirit given my changed beliefs (but just so you know, I have abandoned any atheistic leanings I was having. I do still believe there is *something* and I'll call it God, but I don't believe it's a Christian god. It's an everyone's kind of god.)

I believe that if I can bring about a balance in those 3 things, the rest of my life will fall into place, and maybe my restlessness won't drive me mad any more. So while here at my brother's I will be doing those things that will help me to develop each of those areas. Such things include:

1. Therapy with a counselor who works holistically and within my spiritual beliefs

2. Developing better eating habits and daily exercise of some form (and since my brother has the same goals when it comes to health, hopefully we'll help each other)

3. Doing yoga and meditation

4. Painting (I had to pay a second bag fee just to bring my art supplies)

I brought some French books, too, to get down to some serious language study, but that's a lesser priority in the scheme of things.

Why have come to this point? Because my life simply wasn't working as it was, and I couldn't take another step until I confronted this.

I'm going to be spending the summer working on artistic endeavors. This is NOT an example of what I'll be working on, but it's a painting that my son asked me to do for him a year ago, and I have finished it at last! It was both fun and tedious at the same time. I didn't enjoy the subject matter, but as always, I enjoyed the painting itself.

I got the job I was interviewing for. It starts August 1. I'm still going to Seattle for the summer. Now I have to figure out how to get a car before the job starts.

I was getting ready for my 2nd interview today when my daughter called me into my husband's office saying something was wrong with Numa. He was having seizure-like episodes and howled in distress. They'd pass, but then he'd be disoriented and couldn't stand. I called my husband, and he came home. Numa belongs to us all, but is really his. The episodes seemed to pass, Numa's breathing returned to normal, he was able to walk to the sliding glass door, and he curled up on the rug in front of it. My daughter went on to school, but just before I left for my interview, the episodes started again.

My son came and took me to the interview. I felt terrible leaving my husband alone with his cat, not knowing what would happen. We had no money at all to be able to take the cat in to be looked at, and by the time I got home my husband said "He's dying." He called the Humane Society and it was a terrible ride there and back with my son driving. My husband chose to bring Numa home and bury him in the back yard.

When my daughter came home, she, my husband and I all stood by the front door where she'd entered, hugging each other and crying.

I don't want any more bad things to happen for awhile, please.

So my daughter and I had Subway sandwiches and talked a bit before going to the doctor's office. It took awhile because they couldn't get through to our insurance company, but finally, an hour and 15 minutes later I'm staple free and on my way home. But get this-there was another piece of glass in my head! I'd noticed it last night when I was messing with my head because it was itching and I was gently feeling around in an attempt to relieve some of the itch. I noticed a piece that seemed harder than just a bit of dried blood. When my husband looked at it, he couldn't really tell if it was just a scab or a piece glass, so I mentioned it to the nurse, and sure enough, she tweezed a bit of glass out of there. Not one, but 2 pieces, though the second was smaller. She did a good job of looking around for more, though, so I'm pretty sure I'm glass free now. And now it's raining a typical subtropical rain shower just like it's supposed to and for the moment, at least, I'm at peace. I think I'll take a nap.