Dreaming Paris

There is no must in art because art is free. - Wassily Kandinsky

I opened my blog program to blog about something, but the quote on my page has distracted me. Maybe I'll get back to what I was going to talk about, I don't know. It's one of those things that you decide to talk about because you find yourself in disagreement with someone, but it's really not worth the energy you even gave to it to disagree in the first place, and you wonder why you bothered apart from a momentary need to express your annoyance, iykwim. But talking of it, rather than about it does make a good lead in to my distraction.

I'm working on the development of my artistic abilities. It's slow-going, precisely because though I completely agree with Kandinsky for anyone else, I find I can't agree for myself. For myself, I do have "musts". I am very hard on myself, which is why I haven't produced much. I expect to be better than I am immediately. Even though I know and tell myself that no one is good at anything immediately, that it takes practice, there are two things that I can't seem to include in that knowledge-art and writing. For some reason or other I feel as though you can either do it or you can't. Or rather, either I can do it or I can't. As a result, I see myself as very mediocre and bland in both even though in someone else, I would recognize talent and encourage them to keep it up. I'd believe in them. I'd tell them not to give up on themselves if it's something they really want.

And I do want it. To be an artist, I mean. But I fight all these stupid demons about not being good enough so why bother? Or that in order to be what I consider good enough is going to take forever (not to mention the price of supplies just to practice-art ain't cheap) and meanwhile I need to make a living, and making a living cuts into my time and energy to do art. It's a vicious, vicious circle that I am certain at least half of you reading understand completely.

I made a horrible, horrible mistake trying to start an online tutoring business. It was one of those trying to be practical decisions that proved the least practical of all in an attempt to challenge myself and do something different with my life. I couldn't stand working in the tutoring center any more day after monotonous day. If I were like most people, I would have sucked it up and continued because after all it was a job, I was making a living (barely), and combined with my husband's living we were doing okay. We got to go out to eat and to the movies whenever we felt like it, and for us, when you look back on what we had before I got that job, that's what we called luxury. We even got a yearly pass to Busch Gardens! Oh, my, what extravagance! But I just couldn't keep it up. You see, I have this silly notion that people ought to enjoy what they spend the majority of their lives doing. Don't ask me where I got that notion because clearly it's not true. All you have to do is look around you to see that the majority of people really don't enjoy their work lives. They're all wishing they could be doing something else. Clearly, in the wiring of my psyche, something's misfiring. And that something keeps me restless, always searching for something, anything, to prove that I'm actually right, that there is a way for me to enjoy how I make a living.

Well, I do think that there is, but it isn't easy, and that's really where my problem lies. That it isn't easy. I'll have to work at it, and I've wasted so much time as it is. Or have I? I couldn't come to the realizations I've come to any sooner, really. It's just that it's a pity that I'm this old when I've reached them. Anyway, I was very stupid to think that I could make a tutoring business fly when the truth was I didn't want to have anything to do with tutoring. But I thought that was more safe than trying to start some kind of art business. After all, I knew what I was doing when it came to tutoring. I had the connections, the degrees, the tools. Stupid, stupid woman. If you don't have the passion, what's the point? But I was scared to start an art business because if I failed at that, what would be left? I know, I know, it's silly, stupid, and not worthy of the brains I've been given.

And now, to complicate matters, I've made a mess of my personal life as well. My husband and I are struggling to stay together because my restlessness has had me questioning everything about my life, including whether or not I want to be married at all.

So, about what I was talking about in the beginning, that bit about where one puts one's energy. I am using the practice of meditation and being mindful to help me do a better job of distributing my energy in productive ways. If I were to let myself, I could dwell in darkness most of my days. My thoughts can take me down the most negative of outcomes for my life, and I live in fear and sorrow when I go that route. So meditation helps me to focus on the present moment and what I can do right now, what next step I can make to move me in the direction that I'd like to see my life go in. When I find myself exploring the negatives of my thoughts, I gently pull myself back to the present, concentrating on nothing but my breathing and becoming aware, really aware, of what I see and hear because in the present, there is nothing but the experience itself. There is no past or future, no mistakes made or what ifs, there is only now and the action I choose to take now.

Doing this helps me when I begin to feel overwhelmed with sorrow. The present moment provides respite from the incessant chattering of my mind. Even though I know logically the things I can do to make my life better, it isn't always easy when you're struggling with depression, and basically, that's what I'm dealing with. It's been brought about through a succession of situations that sometimes make me feel like I'm drowning, and though I know that if I simply take things one at a time I'll eventually get to the other side, my melancholic streak doesn't always allow me to view things so positively.

Anyway, do I write about what I was thinking about regarding my disagreement? I think not. It's in the past. It's not worth giving more thought to. I disagree with my friend, but we ARE friends. That's the present. And in the present, I wish my friend well, I wish myself well. And now I'm going to paint.

I know I've already talked about this, but I felt the need to post this in summary after 3 things that happened. One, I was in the book store and saw either Time or Newsweek with a cover saying something about a Mosque at Ground Zero. Then my son came home last night and said, "Do you know what Obama's doing? He wants to build a mosque at Ground Zero!" And today I saw a poll posted on FB asking: This week Obama came out in support of the Muslim worship complex at ground zero. Do you agree with his decision?

Well, it burned me up to see the hype the media gives this instead of engaging in responsible journalism (has that become an oxymoron in this day and age?), so much hype that ignorance is passed along so cluelessly as it was to my son and now we have FB polls that people will read without even knowing the facts behind this. I know, I know, this is just business as usual, and most of the time I just stay out of this stuff because I'm not going to change anyone's mind, but I felt compelled to make it clear where I stood on this.

So, in answer to that FB poll:

Yes, I do agree with his decision because:

1. This is the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA where we support FREEDOM OF RELIGION and all this hoopla reminds me of the mindset that caused this country to round up Japanese AMERICAN CITIZENS and put them in internment camps during WWII, something that most people today agree was WRONG. This is the only reason that should matter, but I'm adding some nitpick reasons as well.

2. Muslim AMERICANS were killed in the towers, too.

3. It's not AT Ground Zero, it's in the neighborhood surrounding Ground Zero 2 blocks away, and no one can even see it from Ground Zero. (not that it should matter if you could)

4. It was supported by the citizens of New York long before Obama said anything.

5. Obama isn't behind it the way so many people seem to think, he simply answered honestly when asked if he thought it okay to build it. What else is the President of a FREE NATION supposed to say, one who represents ALL the citizens of the country, when asked if a particular group has the right to build a center where anyone else besides that particular group is allowed to build?

6. It's a cultural center for the entire community, not just Muslims, modeled on a similar cultural center in New York where Jews worship. Imagine that, Muslims went to Jews to consult on how to build a cultural center that meets community needs! How very...Christian.

Bah! Ignorance is our enemy, not the Muslim faith.

Forgot to add, it's not even a Mosque!

Since I can't find a job that suits me, I'm attempting to develop one that does. This requires that I be serious about being an artist. After all, one can't sell art if one doesn't have art to sell. I'm still an adjunct teacher of College Success courses, which is an enjoyable job, and fulfills my need for change. I have new students every 4 months, and an opportunity to change up things that didn't work or find new material. Unfortunately, it only pays a few of the bills.

I'm in the midst of an existential crisis. That's what Dr. Phil calls it, and his description fits me perfectly. I'm not a big follower of Dr. Phil, but he does, at times, hit the nail on the head. I thought my problem was that I didn't want to be married any more, but it goes deeper than that and is rooted in what feels like a loss of myself. For two thirds of my marriage I was wrapped up in religion and "doing the right thing" regardless of whether or not it fit who I really am. All I wanted was to be a nice person who didn't hurt others, but I also wanted to be in touch with God in a way that meant I'd have a roadmap for my life. I hate being in the wrong. That right there is the source of all my trouble because life is nothing but trial and error, it's practice that never brings about expert status. As soon as you think you have something mastered you get thrown something new that blows your whole worldview.

I have taken up studying Buddhist philosophy. I can't be a Buddhist because I can't get into any of the doctrines/dogma/rituals. My life as a Christian has set me against practicing any kind of religious have-tos. I am convinced that each person's spiritual journey is as unique as the individual, so I'm discovering/uncovering those things that work for me as I continue to understand myself better. I do believe that there is more than the physical aspects of things we can see. I realize that perception can be distorted and our minds/bodies are amazing chemical experiments, but that doesn't mean we don't gain insight when we see beyond what's really here through those distortions and chemical "imbalances" or when we follow what we call our intuition, that knowing from deep within.

My deep within knowing has been plastered over with years and years of shoulds and have-tos. Years of worrying about being wrong instead of just living out what it means to express me, right or wrong. I've made attempts to break out. Well, that's what this last decade's been about, actually, and it's why I've even questioned my marriage.

Anyway, that was a long way to say that it has also affected my art. I know that within me is the ability to produce impressions that express just what I want to express about a subject, but instead I've been caught up in trying to "get it right". And when it's clear that I can't get it right, I get frustrated, I struggle, and though the painting itself, the mixing and laying of color is the most wonderful thing in the world for me, when I am completely at peace and feel that I am exactly where I'm supposed to be, doing what I was born to do, I get upset with the end result. I can't let go of the need for control, to know where I'm going, to GET IT RIGHT.

I'm working on this piece right now:

When I started it, I was copying the picture as closely as I could, but I placed a few things just enough off to throw things out of whack, so I finally began to loosen up a little and just improvise. The problem is, it's part improvised, part right, and the right part looks stupid. For example, even though the street sign is placed where it should be in relation to the building behind it according to the source picture, somehow the pole that holds it rests smack in the center of the sidewalk at the corner, which is so wrong. Yet I didn't see how wrong it was until I scanned it. It's funny how you can miss the obvious.

Also, why was I so determined to include that concrete pole that splits the canvas practically from top to bottom? I should have improvised that right out of the painting. What did I do instead? Because the sidewalk is off a bit I couldn't show as much of the street lamp that should be showing, so I painted it peeking out from either side of the concrete pole. How stupid is that? Get rid of the pole and show the whole street lamp, woman! Well, I will do that. I'm going to fix these things that I can now see, but the painting still does not express what I really want it to express. It's simply a copy of an image instead of an expression of what I felt that day when I was down there walking about on my own, enjoying the day and taking pictures.

I'm too uptight in the painting of my pictures, more concerned with the details than with the composition and how it feels. Literally not seeing (or expressing) the forest for the trees. I'm so concerned that I get each tree right, I completely screw up the painting itself. And that's what I've been like with my life as well. So afraid to make a wrong move that I end up not moving at all or basing decisions on what seems to be the best, the right, thing instead of on what's right for me.

There was more I wanted to say, especially about how being more mindful has helped me to put things in a better perspective, but I'll stop for now and save that for another day. I have a painting to finish and a new one to start. I have some ideas that I want to experiment with. The operative word being experiment. I've been too concerned with having a completed work of art when I finish a painting that I haven't allowed myself to play/experiment/practice/fail and develop my own style of expression. I've been a copyist, not a creator. And it has been killing me, both in my art and in my life. I'm not here to copy others. I have my own life to live and my own way of expressing it. If I could just figure out what that is, maybe I could get on with enjoying what's left of it.

Well, I'm enjoying what I can while I go about figuring it out. After all, it's not like there will ever be an end to the process, will there?

Thank you for offering me the position of TLC Coordinator, but after continued consideration, I have concluded that this position isn't one that will meet my needs. I have been offered another class where I've been working, and the increase I would have in pay per month at XX College simply doesn't make up for the commute and longer hours. I have decided to keep looking until I find exactly what suits me. I sincerely apologize for delaying your own plans, but hope that you will find a better fit. I enjoyed meeting you, and I know I would have enjoyed working at XX College.

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I'm applying all over the place, and there is one position that has come open that would suit me quite well. It fulfills my need for organization and structure (yes, artists can require this, too), keeps me in education, has enough duties to keep me interested and to allow me to use some of my creative skills, pays exactly what I was looking for, and is in a place that I would love to go to every day because it houses the arts for my college and is located in the part of town that I want to begin painting. So whatever you do, be it crossing fingers, praying, thinking good thoughts, I can use all of that right now, though I'm practicing letting outcomes go and just doing what my hand finds to do in the moment so as not to be a freaking basket case over financial matters! So I could use that crossing fingers, praying, etc. for that, too. ;-)

I'll lose some sales and my boss won't be happy,
but I can't stop listening to the sound
of two soft voices
blended in perfection
from the reels of this record that I've found.

Every day there's a boy in the mirror asking me...
What are you doing here?
Finding all my previous motives
growing increasingly unclear.

I've traveled far and I've burned all the bridges
I believed as soon as I hit land
all the other options held before me,
would wither in the light of my plan.

So I'll lose some sales and my boss won't be happy,
but there's only one thing on my mind
searching boxes underneath the counter,
on a chance that on a tape I'd find...
a song for someone who needs somewhere to long for.

Homesick.
Because I no longer know where home is.

-Kings of Convenience